A great first day of book signings. I loved talking books with people, signing copies of “Consumed,” seeing the great horror props, and meeting creepy celebrities like Tony Todd (Candyman) and Doug Bradley (Hellraiser). I can’t wait for day 2!
A Nightmare on Elm Street, Hellraiser, The Evil Dead– as a child, horror movies like these use to keep me shivering in my bed all night, fingers locked on the flashlight I kept hidden under my pillow. The stylized 80’s fear-flicks brought a new atmosphere and mindset to the horror scene. No longer was it enough to simply keep a sharpened stake under your bed or make sure that you knew where mom’s silverware was hidden. The creatures had upgraded. Now, you had to think outside the box to stay alive. That’s why, ironically, I’m thinking inside the box for this next blog. What exactly do I mean? Well, just in time for the holidays, I’ve been asked by Man Crates, a new online company that offers the most creative gifts for men in wooden crates, to put together my horror movie survival kit, and I’m basing my anti-monster arsenal on the horror movies I grew up with in order to try to make it until dawn. Firstly, let’s build the scene…
It’s the witching hour in an overly foggy forest. The moonlight cascades down below, coloring the trees and mist in a graveyard shade of blue. A pack of unsuspecting campers huddles around a fire, telling ghost stories while passing around a flask. Off in the distance, a branch cracks, and then another. Though the overly sexy female campers begin to panic, one of the foolishly brave men amongst them, Ed, decides to investigate. Recklessly, Ed goes deep into the forest line until he’s all but swallowed up by the vapors. He can no longer see the Jack O’ Lantern orange from the campfire behind him, though it doesn’t stop him from continuing his search. All goes quiet. Then suddenly, unbeknownst to Ed, a dark silhouette begins to grow behind him, taking the shape of a hulking fiend with razor claws and eyes like red traffic lights. Fortunately, as the beast closes in, its lower talons inadvertently crunch onto another branch, snapping it in two. Now alerted, Ed spins around and finds that a Lovecraft-like demon made of ethereal shadow is waiting behind him. The monster opens up its shark-like maw, and a spiral of glowing green begins to fizz in its throat, ready to be spat out onto poor Ed. Luckily, Ed has just the thing in his backpack. Hastily, he digs in a side pouch and quickly draws out a… But what does Ed draw out? A clove of garlic isn’t going to help him with the shadow terror, nor will a regular old revolver. This isn’t your typical Silver Screen antagonist. No, this creature is far more appallingly advanced, and Ed will have to have something really handy on him in order to escape the creature’s clutches. With that being said, here’s what I would prepare in my survival kit if I were in Ed’s place. They’re not necessarily deadly weapons or foolproof repellants, but they are easily attainable and versatile. Firstly, we need a diversion. The greatest ability of every monster is that they seem to always know how to sneak up on their victims, cornering them so that they have no other choice but to scream in fear until their inevitable demise (there must be a free class offered to registered horror creatures). That is, unless you have something handy which can temporarily take the sight from your stalking abomination. Unfortunately, mace isn’t going to do the trick as most creatures like phantoms and demon either lack physical anatomies or are immune to puny concentrated pepper juice. Plus, if you’re as clumsy as me, there’s a good chance you’re going to mace yourself in the process. The answer- take away their perception with the common 4th of July Smoke Bomb. Now, I’m not talking about those wimpy smoke bombs that come in kids’ fun-packs during the holidays. No, full fledge smoke bombs nowadays have vastly improved since the days of sparklers and charcoal snakes, and are relatively cheap to purchase. These bad boys are near baseball size and create a smoky diversion that when used correctly will help save your skin against any monstrosity closing in on you. Simply plan your running path a second ahead of time, light the smoke bomb, drop it, and run. And the best part is that smoke bombs tend to come in packs so even if the beasty gets past the first cloud, you can continue tossing them over your shoulder as you flee.
Next, let’s discuss the hard facts. Chances are you’re not looking to make a stand, but rather hurry to safety. This is not a bar brawl with Biff the college bully you’re in. These are supernatural forces that bend the rules of nature and physics. You want to fight? Goodnight. Plan to run? Survival has begun. With that in mind, let’s talk about a universal tool that will help any fleeing victim escape a horror movie attack. The modern crowbar comes in handy sizes as short as ten inches, made typically of reliable carbon steel. Though it can be used as a weapon, its most valuable asset is its versatility. Is a locked up farmhouse your only chance of surviving the animated scarecrow giving chase? A crowbar will make easy work of a door lock, buying you time to find a phone and call authorities. Did you discover that you’ve locked your keys in the car again just as the loup-garou caught your scent? A crowbar through that car window will do the trick. Plus, the crowbar makes a great crude hammer, extended arm or climbing hook (as well as a pry bar when you’re opening your Man Crate). Finally, while you might have dodged the monster’s initial ambush and survived the creature’s last pursuit, if your circumstances are in true horror movie fashion, then the beast(s) is still out there, waiting for you to lower your guard. Adrenaline may have helped you through your first encounter, but you’ll soon learn that it comes with consequences, The Crash. Your muscles are fatigued, your senses dulled, and that temporary cabin you’ve decided to take refuge in suddenly feels a bit more cozy. Not so fast. The sun isn’t up yet. It’s time for…An Energy Drink! Yes, the classic marketing beverage that relies on people’s addiction to caffeine is back again to save the day. Chances are, if you try to get some rest, the lurking specter will slip into your nightmares or the machete wielding revenant will pin you to the bed like a prom corsage. You need a boost to keep you going until dawn. Once the sun is up, you can easily navigate your way to the main road in order to get to the police station. And because America is so hooked on Energy Drinks, they now come in ungodly inappropriate sizes to keep you going throughout the midnight hours. So remember the next time you’re being hunted by a Golgothan or spirit of a vengeful ex-girlfriend, keep in mind that horror movie survival isn’t about how tough you are, but how clever you are. The brave ones die first. And as a reminder, if you’re looking for a great gift for that special Horror Movie Hero, check out Man Crates on the web, because true survivalists deserve better Christmas gifts than just a tie or cheap cologne.
Justin Alcala: Check Out More Blogs, See Future Work & Pick Up My Horror Novel @: www.justinalcala.com https://twitter.com/JustinAlcala Man Crates @: http://www.mancrates.com/?gclid=CKbU_LPZ-sECFc1AMgodSGQAJw
I just received my copy. Do you have yours?
Horror lovers, mystery nerds, supernatural geeks, get your copy via the links below.
I typically don’t do book reviews, but this was a must…
100 Sideways Miles is a creative plot about an epileptic boy’s teenage life as he struggles to find out who he really is in a world that seems to be prewritten. In typical Andrew Smith fashion, the characters are well developed, and as the book progresses, you become lost in the relationship between the main character, Finn, and his best friend Cade. Throughout the story, Finn has to fight through hurdles such as his condition’s seizures, the conflicting, but charming relationship with his father, and his sheltered existence. Now add the fact that he is a teenage boy and must deal with constant sexual impulses, raw emotion and his imminent future, and you get “100 Sideways Miles.”
The storyline is simple and captivating. Finn, the ever-introspective protagonist that can charm you with his raw innocence, is struggling to understand who he really is, especially once he meets Julia. Julia, the Chicago transplant (Woohoo Windy City!), is an enchanting, but mysterious young woman who comes into Finn’s life at a very puzzling time. As the pair’s relationship grows, Finn begins to understand that much like him, Julia is a wounded and confused. Later, once an uncontrollable wedge is placed between Julia and Finn, the boy becomes confused and inconsolable. However, luckily with the help of his hilarious friend Cade, Finn teeters on the edge of breaking out from his shielded life as a boy with epilepsy. Finally, during a road trip, Finn stumbles along a powerful incident that helps him decide what is actually important in this thing we call life.
I enjoyed “100 Sideways Miles” the way I feel generations before me enjoyed Jack Kerouac’s “On the Road.” I have to honestly disagree with anyone who criticizes that this is a book about nothing, as that’s the farthest thing from the truth. The book’s pace, much like a teenage boy’s life, is slow moving, but intense. Every page is packed with young ambition and insight, which was thoroughly refreshing. If you’re looking for a great book to relax over with coffee or a beer (“These are a few of my favorite things”), then this is the book for you. Once gain, well-done Mr. Smith.
I’m not sure about the intelligence of Amazon’s suggestion-engine, but it what cool to see the below e-mail this morning (see attached picture). On that note, if you haven’t already, I’d greatly appreciate it if you went to my book on amazon and reviewed it if possible. This will be my only shameless blog-post about the subject, but unfortunately, amazon reviews tend to have strong influence in our modern day publishing world.
Ah, October, the best month in Chicago by far. Why might you ask? Well, that’s easy. Not only does it bring forth the most beautiful of seasons, autumn, and not only is it the month that my wonderful wife and I were married, but for thirty-one days we prepare ourselves for one of the best holidays in the world, Halloween. Every year, just about the time when the scary decorations are put on store shelves, a certain spark erupts in my belly, waking me from my slumber like some revenant crawling out of its grave. Sugared thoughts of frightening costumes, spooky lawn decorations and haunted attractions stir in my mind as I watch ghost shows, drink Octoberfest brews, and reread the classics such as Poe, Stoker and Shelley.
It’s also a peak time for me as an author. It’s as if my fingers are starved to devour the keyboard in order to spin tales that make blood curdle and spines tingle. Countless monsters are born, and even more victims slain across the pages of my works during this wonderful season. Yet, for as much as I could spend countless hours talking about my relationship with the holiday, babbling about the fire that Halloween lights under my cauldron, the excitement of it all also begs another question, one more so related to writing. What is it that makes writers tick?
Some writers are just always on. For them it’s a gift. They have this endless well of ideas and inspiration that allows them to constantly create at anytime, anywhere. For the rest of us however, creativity takes energy, stimulation and motivation. Even the most prolific writers of all time had habits that helped them create their best works. For T.S. Elliot, not only did he sneak away to a quiet porter’s lodge to write, but he also did so while wearing green ghoulish makeup that made him feel like a cadaver. For Faulkner, he wrote his bet works only after a glass or six of whiskey- the good stuff mind you. And as for H.P. Lovecraft, the man of weird fiction could only pen during the darkest hours of night in order to invent his Cthulhu mythos or legends of the Necronomicon.
So what is it that makes you excited to write? Perhaps it’s being somewhere special or reading a book that encouraged you to write in the first place? Being a writer, be it poetry, journalism, fiction, nonfiction, blogging, can be extremely challenging. What takes most people seconds to read may have cost you hours to write, and in those hours, you probably had to drive yourself to stay motivated. Sometimes it’s easy, but often, we must dig down deep and sip from that inspirational well that keeps us excited to create.
Recently, I read an article that had surefire ways to keep a writer motivated. In the column, there were tricks like creating tight deadlines, removing distractions, and forcing yourself to pen even when you were exhausted. While I agreed with what the author was trying to express, their suggestions sounded more like punishment than inspiration. Writers shouldn’t have to physically or mentally abuse themselves in order to create a great story, poem or blog- it’s quite the opposite.
Ultimately, all that we have to do is remember that writing is different for everyone. Simply know yourself, know what keeps you ticking, and use it to your advantage. Anything else is subjective.
So writers, the next time you are having trouble finishing a story, completing a blog or finding that last line of a poem that would really make your work feel complete, remember what makes you want to write. Go back and read your favorite book, visit that place that makes you feel alive, or in my case, listen to Halloween music in the middle of April. I think that you’ll find it truly works. Because so long as you find what makes you tick and continue to feed it, you’ll also find that you’re often writing your best works.
FUN FOR WRITER’S (Contests and Grants)
NEW VISIONS AWARD
NO ENTRY FEE.
STORIES OF RESILIENCE CONTEST
NO ENTRY FEE
THE FEMINIST WIRE GRANT
$10 ENTRY FEE. The winner will receive publication in The Feminist Wire and $200. The 1st runner up will receive publication in The Feminist Wire and $100. Deadline October 1, 2014. Submit up to 3 poems (no more than a total of 5 pages).
Deep in the darkest woods of Munţii Retezat lives a creature known only as Strigoaica. Refused by hell, she makes her home in the rock beneath a gnarled oak tree, the skins of children her only decor. She neither lives nor rests, but is cursed between. And though no one knows who she once was or what she is, it’s certain that she’ll always be. A black cloud on the horizon, she is ever enduring.
No one knows why she haunts the veil hidden behind Munţii Retezat. Some say she seeks vengeance for the child she lost while others claim she is Lucifer’s discarded first wife. Still a few insist that she is the hag-witch of the mountains, created by the cliffs as a warden.What is certain is that she hungers to torture men, quiet women and feast upon children. It is a desire that can never be quenched, ever constant in her mind.
So wayfarer, if you’re ever traveling through the roads of the old world and come across Munţii Reteza do not make camp. No, continue on your journey until the hairs on your neck and lump in your throat withdraw. For lurking in the night, hidden in the shadows cast by the moon are greedy eyes, curled claws and a hungry maw. She can neither live nor die, but is always waiting for a fool to venture too near to her gnarled oak tree.